Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Genesis 25:30 (Holman Christian Standard Bible)
He said to Jacob, "Let me eat some of that red stuff, because I'm exhausted."

Proverbs 21:19 (New Living Translation)
It is better to live alone in the desert than with a crabby, complaining wife.

Proverbs 27:15-16 (New Living Translation)
A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.

Did you know there is a talking donkey in the Bible?
Numbers 22:21-29 (New King James Version)
Balaam got up in the morning, saddled his donkey and went with the princes of Moab. But God was very angry when he went, and the angel of the LORD stood in the road to oppose him. Balaam was riding on his donkey, and his two servants were with him. When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD standing in the road with a drawn sword in his hand, she turned off the road into a field. Balaam beat her to get her back on the road.

Then the angel of the LORD stood in a narrow path between two vineyards, with walls on both sides. When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD, she pressed close to the wall, crushing Balaam's foot against it. So he beat her again.

Then the angel of the LORD moved on ahead and stood in a narrow place where there was no room to turn, either to the right or to the left. When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD, she lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat her with his staff. Then the LORD opened the donkey's mouth, and she said to Balaam, "What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?" Balaam answered the donkey, "You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now."

Here's how God deals with whiners--
Numbers 11:18- (New Living Translation)
"And tell the people to purify themselves, for tomorrow they will have meat to eat. Tell them, 'The LORD has heard your whining and complaints: "If only we had meat to eat! Surely we were better off in Egypt!" Now the LORD will give you meat, and you will have to eat it. And it won't be for just a day or two, or for five or ten or even twenty. You will eat it for a whole month until you gag and are sick of it. For you have rejected the LORD, who is here among you, and you have complained to him, "Why did we ever leave Egypt?"

One time, Jesus was asked to leave town-- for killing all the pigs!
Matthew 8:28-34 (New International Version)
When he arrived at the other side in the region of the Gadarenes, two demon-possessed men coming from the tombs met him. They were so violent that no one could pass that way. "What do you want with us, Son of God?" they shouted. "Have you come here to torture us before the appointed time?"

Some distance from them a large herd of pigs was feeding. The demons begged Jesus, "If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs." He said to them, "Go!" So they came out and went into the pigs, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and died in the water.

Those tending the pigs ran off, went into the town and reported all this, including what had happened to the demon-possessed men. Then the whole town went out to meet Jesus. And when they saw him, they pleaded with him to leave their region.

Did you know Alabama is mentioned in the book of Ezekiel?
Ezekiel 20:29 (New International Version)
Then I said to them: What is this high place you go to? It is called Bamah to this day.

Do you know the disciples had to share a car?
Philippians 2:2 (American Standard Version)
Make full my joy, that ye be of the same mind, having the same love, being of one accord...

They all met at a famous hotel in Washington, D.C....
Neimeiah 8:1 (New International Version)
…all the people assembled as one man in the square before the Water Gate.

And there are bad drivers...
2 Kings 9:20 (New International Version)
The lookout reported, "He has reached them, but he isn't coming back either. The driving is like that of Jehu son of Nimshi--he drives like a madman."

There's the story of Isaac’s son, who smelled like a farm.
Genesis 27:27 (New International Version)
So he went to him and kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him and said, "Ah, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field that the LORD has blessed.

Job 13:5 (New International Version)
If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.

2 Kings 2:23-24 (New International Version)
From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!"

He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord.

Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

The book of Proverbs is full of funny verses...
Proverbs 29:20 (New Living Translation)
There is more hope for a fool than for someone who speaks without thinking.

Proverbs 31:6 (New International Version)
As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.

Proverbs 26:11 (New International Version)
Gray is a crown of splendor: it is attained by a righteous life.

Proverbs 27:14 (New International Version)
If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.

Proverbs 31:6 (New International Version)
Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.

Then there are the weird stories and verses...
Job 19:17 (New International Version)
My breath is offensive to my wife; I am loathsome to my own brothers.

Acts 20:9 (New Living Translation)
As Paul spoke on and on, a young man named Eutychus, sitting on the windowsill, became very drowsy. Finally, he fell sound asleep and dropped three stories to his death below.

Zechariah 6:7 (New International Version)
When the powerful horses went out, they were straining to go throughout the earth. And he said, "Go throughout the earth!" So they went throughout the earth.

Deuteronomy 14:21 (New International Version)
Do not eat anything you find already dead. You may give it to an alien living in any of your towns and he may eat it, or you may sell it to a foreigner...

When Gideon was building an army, God helped him choose soldiers...
Judges 7:4-8 (New International Version)
But the LORD said to Gideon, "There are still too many men. Take them down to the water, and I will sift them for you there. If I say, 'This one shall go with you,' he shall go; but if I say, 'This one shall not go with you,' he shall not go."

So Gideon took the men down to the water. There the LORD told him, "Separate those who lap the water with their tongues like a dog from those who kneel down to drink." Three hundred men lapped with their hands to their mouths. All the rest got down on their knees to drink.

The LORD said to Gideon, "With the three hundred men that lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hands. Let all the other men go, each to his own place." So Gideon sent the rest of the Israelites to their tents but kept the three hundred, who took over the provisions and trumpets of the others.

And when you go to the store this Sunday afternoon, think about this one...
Exodus 35:1-3 (New International Version)
Moses assembled the whole Israelite community and said to them, "These are the things the LORD has commanded you to do: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death. Do not light a fire in any of your dwellings on the Sabbath day."

Here’s a “duh” moment…
Judges 16:17 (New International Version)
So he told her everything. "No razor has ever been used on my head," he said, "because I have been a Nazirite set apart to God since birth. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man."

Here’s a story that is pretty amazing…
By the way, an ephod is like an apron. With no backside.
2 Samuel 6:1-14 (New International Version)
David again brought together out of Israel chosen men, thirty thousand in all. He and all his men set out from Baalah of Judah to bring up from there the ark of God, which is called by the Name, the name of the LORD Almighty, who is enthroned between the cherubim that are on the ark.

They set the ark of God on a new cart and brought it from the house of Abinadab, which was on the hill. Uzzah and Ahio, sons of Abinadab, were guiding the new cart with the ark of God on it, and Ahio was walking in front of it. David and the whole house of Israel were celebrating with all their might before the LORD, with songs and with harps, lyres, tambourines, sistrums and cymbals.

When they came to the threshing floor of Nacon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. The LORD's anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down and he died there beside the ark of God.

Then David was angry because the LORD's wrath had broken out against Uzzah, and to this day that place is called Perez Uzzah.

David was afraid of the LORD that day and said, "How can the ark of the LORD ever come to me?" He was not willing to take the ark of the LORD to be with him in the City of David. Instead, he took it aside to the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite. The ark of the LORD remained in the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite for three months, and the LORD blessed him and his entire household.

Now King David was told, "The LORD has blessed the household of Obed-Edom and everything he has, because of the ark of God." So David went down and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with rejoicing.

When those who were carrying the ark of the LORD had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf. David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his might, while he and the entire house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouts and the sound of trumpets.

As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in her heart. They brought the ark of the LORD and set it in its place inside the tent that David had pitched for it, and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the LORD. After he had finished sacrificing the burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the LORD Almighty.

Then he gave a loaf of bread, a cake of dates and a cake of raisins to each person in the whole crowd of Israelites, both men and women. And all the people went to their homes.

When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, "How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!"

David said to Michal, "It was before the LORD, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the LORD's people Israel-I will celebrate before the LORD. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor." And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.

There are some pretty funny names in the Bible too--
Zippor, Balaam, Ham, Nimrod, Uz, Mash, Diklah, Jobab (like Joe Bob), Dorcas, There is also the town of Shur.

There's proof that there will be no women in heaven:
Revelations 8:1 (New International Version)
When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour.

There is the very interesting Psalms 118...
1. Psalm 118 is the middle chapter of the entire Bible.
2. Psalm 117, before Psalm 118 is the shortest chapter in the Bible.
3. Psalm 119, after Psalm 118 is the longest chapter in the Bible.
4. The Bible has 594 chapters before Psalm 118 and 594 chapters after Psalm 118.
5. If you add up all the chapters except Psalm 118, you get a total of 1188 chapters.
6. 1188 or Psalm 118 verse 8 is the middle verse of the entire Bible.

And what is the message found in verse 118? "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." - Psalm 118:8

And finally...
A young and nervous bride planning her wedding was increasingly terrified about her upcoming marriage. To calm her nerves, she decided to have a Bible verse which had always brought her comfort (1 FIRST John 4:18, "There is no fear in love; for perfect love casts out fear") engraved on her wedding cake. So she called the caterer and all arrangements were made.

About a week before the wedding, she received a call from the catering company. "Is this really the verse you want on your cake?" they asked. Yes, she confirmed, it was the one she wanted, and after a few more questions they said they would decorate the cake as requested.

The wedding day came, and everything was beautiful...until the reception, when the bride walked in to find the cake emblazoned with John 4:18: "For you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband."